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If sex is unavailable to you, have the lowered testosterone and the serenity to accept lower social status. We want to share and be helpful, selflessly raising a family.

Romance is a strange dance, one we might feel embarrassed about if we didn’t have ways to claim its simplicity and naturalness. Or we claim to yearn for sex because we’re only human, sexuality blueprinted in our genes.

Either of those explanations are more honorable than the alternative, that we don’t feel as big and important as we want and can convince ourselves we are more important if we can set up a mutual admiration society with someone who will hold us in high regard for a night or a lifetime.

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Yes, that is what I’m talking about—status anxiety sublimated into sex, but I suspect that it’s more common—in both men and women--than we care to notice. I mean if you dare to ask yourself that challenging question. Next time you’re feeling especially frisky, or affectionate, reflect on your recent past. Did you just enter a new environment affording you fewer of your usual props of affirmation? In general, the more I miss someone or something recently departed, the more I seek a replacement, in other words to refill the glass recently drained, so I can sustain affirmation in the manner to which I’m accustomed. Not everyone reaches for sex or romance when they’re feeling shaky, but some of us get a lot of practice doing just that.

Did you just have a —a former dependent cutting ties that affirmed you? Those of us who have long felt free to masturbate without shame--and that would be many of us in today’s culture--have had ready access to that outlet for social status anxiety.

And it’s not just the Internet’s bounty of pornography.

The way dating sites are set up, they too are harems, the hetero men only see women’s postings and the hetero women only see men’s postings.

It’s not inconsistent at all, Indeed there may be no more fundamental principle in all of psychology than that our drives drive us in opposite directions.