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So, yes, I succumbed to her soothing suggestion that a little eye make-up would be 'cool'.But 15 minutes later, having bumped into an incredulous, sarcastic colleague in the boozer, I was back home angrily washing my face clean.

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I only visit restaurants that let you take away in a box or bucket. Even John Prescott's an admirable character in a funny sort of way - he seduced his secretary, punched someone who confronted him and doesn't care that he can't string a sentence together.

My all-time retrosexual icon is Glasgow Airport baggage handler John Smeaton, because when it was subjected to a firebombing attack he just got stuck in and sorted it out.

When one girlfriend demanded, 'Why can't you look more like a gay man? The change blokes have undergone in the past 20 years, almost by a sort of 'social osmosis', makes them feel half-man, half-woman.

' I let her take me shopping for bright colours and tight tops. We have lost our blokey language - which I suppose you could say went out with Monty Python and the Two Ronnies, our pubs, our silly souped-up cars - and worst of all our confidence.

That night I binned my Clinique moisturiser, GQ magazines and volumising hairspray - and then I dumped the girlfriend, too.